peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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