we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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