when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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