the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
