fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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