i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
