Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize