the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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