Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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