The maid of honor just puked.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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