He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
