Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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