My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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