Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
