turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
