He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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