Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
