Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
