i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
