One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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