There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
