you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
