I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
