So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
