Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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