I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
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About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
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THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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