Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
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Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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