Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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