My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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