There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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