I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
