If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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