thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
