she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
