in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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