i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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