dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
