you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
