i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
