today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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