I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
