I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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