God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
