She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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