It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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