It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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