Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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