My hand turned me down
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
