it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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