I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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