remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
