he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
