I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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