He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
