i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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