Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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