Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
