two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
