He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
