so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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